1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Moved away from home to live with Dan; got a job that wasn't through school; went to the tropics

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I will likely never make a new year's resolution.

3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
I honestly have no idea.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I remember... but I have a tendency to repress such things.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
I want a job that doesn't treat me like I'm retarded, and I'd like to go back to school. I'd also like to pay off my credit card, but I don't see that happening for a long-ass time.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Going to pick up Dan's Mustang, and seeing the pile of kittens on the doorstep that included Oyashiro-sama

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Uhm.. helping my legion rank up on Aion with a ton of abyss points? lol

9. What was your biggest failure?
Unfinished business. Always unfinished business.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yeah; very little illness, but a couple times during the 14-hour-days at work, my knee/ankle just about gave out.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A vet plan for Shiro.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Electric bill/food

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Owl City- Fireflies

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Cleaning

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Boredom

16. What was your favorite TV program?
Ghost Hunters, I guess. We don't have TV, but we got a bunch of episodes online. I'm rather limited in what I watch these days.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not hate.. but I rather dislike a particular woman at work that makes my life hell.

18. What was the best book you read?
I started the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. Good stuff.

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Iris/Owl City

20. What was your favorite film of this year?
The only movie I remember seeing was Paranormal activity.. it was okay. Not super awesome.

21. What did you do on your birthday?
A bunch of lame crap. Went to Dave & Buster's, which was really shitty, went to eat at a chinese buffet that was packed full of people. The party started when I got home and people started making up drinks.

22. What kept you sane?
Sane? That's an unfamiliar word.

23. Who did you miss?
Friends that I haven't seen for a long time. Moving away was good for me, but friendships are suffering.

24. Who was the best new person you met?
I met Lan a long time ago, but only recently started being around her more. She's fun.

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
It doesn't matter how hard you try; judgmental people will never truly accept anything. It's better to focus on yourself and move on.

Dan has this awful habit of going to sleep when I have had a bad day and want to talk about it.

You Speak Aussie Slang

Aussie Slang: 75% Canadian Slang: 75% British Slang: 50% Prison Slang: 50% Southern Slang: 25% New England Slang: 0%

lol, prison slang :p

The last two weeks have been crazy as hell. First was the aforementioned hilariously bad week, followed by an exhausting week at work, with another great few days despite that.

First, work. Good fucking God. I really, REALLY try to keep myself positive about my job, but it's pretty hard when everyone else is so.. either depressed, or selfish. Us honest ones are kept at the bottom by those who get a taste of the office's power, walking all over us and spreading rumors with surgical precision to keep us all in check. They act like superiors, but.. not so much. I really want to just stick it to them, but I'm the patient non-confrontational type; maybe it will happen eventually. Then there's the whole "You will slave for 12 hours without sitting down and you will get no break, and you will not complain about it." I think FPI must be too small a company for any of the laws to apply so much. The people are decent, but the policy is totally fucked up. So, I'm thinking about finding a new job. Maybe I'll waitress- I've also been contemplating bartending school. Not for a forever-job, but it might be fun for a while, since it's kinda something I enjoy. Plus, I would probably make more in tips than I do at FPI. Anyway, it's all just pondering right now.

Besides work, the week is all scrambled up in my mind. I'm not real sure when things happened, but at some point Dan, Coocher, Steph and I went out to Princeton to look at an '01 Mustang that Coocher had heard about. Dan's dream car since he was 13 was a yellow mustang with black racing stripes, so we figured we'd check it out. When I first saw in the car it didn't look like much.. motorheads can talk all they want about cars, and for the most part, I really don't give a crap. I heard something about an engine swapped out, NOS, security system... blahblahblah. It turns out that the guy had a hobby of fixing cars up- this car was an awesome project for him, but now that he had a baby he needed to get rid of the car payment. So, he was selling it for $9,000. For a mustang? Then, taking in all the labor and aftermarket parts this guy put into the thing.. holy shit. The only problem was that it's a manual, not an automatic, but Dan was convinced that he could learn.

While they were yammering on about the car, I found a pile of fuzz on the doorstep that I planted myself next to for a couple hours. Kittens! Tons of them! With three moms! All of them had mites and pink eye, but they were sooo cute. I couldn't help but cuddle them all. In the end, a grey and white one attached itself to me, and after talking about the car we took him home. I debated over names for a while, eventually deciding on Oyashiro-sama. The name is from an anime called Higurashi, and is the name of a demon lord that makes people go crazy and claw their own throats out if they defy him.

I took him to the vet and got him on a health plan- I got eye drops, ear solution, ear medication, and de-worming meds. Most is already taken care of except for the ears, and the second dose of de-wormer. He's been so damn hyper, and I've needed to quarantine him in our bedroom away from Norris and Kurama, so today I went out and got him a handful of toys that should hopefully keep him happy as well as some dental chewies and catnip.

Anyway, a couple days later Dan and company went out while I was at work and picked up the Mustang. Everyone seems fairly well impressed with it.. and I gotta say, after this weekend (which we spent most of driving), I really love that car. It is SO much fun to ride in.. at first I didn't like the attention, but it really isn't so bad if you think of it as them staring at the car, not you. Dan seems to be catching on to driving stick, so that's all good. The one real problem is that the car needs a new throttle cable, which we'll hopefully be fixing soon. Oh.. and the car isn't yellow and black, it's silver. But maybe that will change in time.

It was a great weekend.

I just came out of the shittiest week I have had in a LONG time. It feels kinda like waking up out of a nightmare. I was positive the whole time, mind you, but holy crap. The stress has really worn me down.

Monday was fine- it was a day off. Tuesday was the first day that I worked after my 10-day vacation, and I was SO ready for it. I got in my car and was driving down to.. I forget where. Christ the King church, past Eden Prairie somewhere.. I don't even remember. Anyway, on 494 I suddenly started losing speed. I couldn't get over into the right lane, so was forced to coast to a stop on the left shoulder, finally stopping under the 169 overpass. Thankful I was alive, yet had no idea what the fuck I would do. I had no pen or paper to write a "call police" sign, my cell phone charger had been missing since the trip so that was not working. I was stuck on the left side of the highway by the median, standing by my POS toyota with emergency lights on- and no one stopped. Bah!

Anyway, eventually a highway rescue truck showed up. The lady within tried to do a little debugging, but couldn't come up with anything substantial. She gave me some instructions as to how to use Dan's AAA thing, then gave me a drive to work- remarkably, I still made it on time. Shelley was quite sympathetic and made sure I knew that she would "take care" of me. She is an awesome woman. That aside, I called Dan and told him that I needed him to go out to the car, call AAA and get it towed- there was no way to do it without him being with the car. So he made arrangements, left work, and did as instructed- the tow truck pulled away with my car and drove a bit, before Dan realized his car then wouldn't start, in the exact same spot mine had died no less.

So! he had to call back the AAA or tow people, not sure which, and get a jump. He followed the tow truck to the service station, and at that point I called him and learned that he was stuck with 2 gimp cars in Eden Prairie. Christ. I was so stressed out that I started laughing when I put down placemats- there was absolutely nothing I could do. Later I called back to find that Dan had taken a loaner car back to work while they looked at his. During break, Shelley let me borrow her SUV, which was absolutely terrifying to drive, but I got down to the mechanic to hand over my car key. I ended up 10 minutes late back to work because of the shitty traffic on 494. Blah. Upon arriving home, Dan had been out with Coocher and replaced the battery in his car, which seemed to have mostly fixed the problem. Coupled with this adventure, work was insanity- and it only got worse through the week.

Wednesday I went to work with a gimp ankle, and had a tough time serving- I was really in a lot of pain. Sherry decided that the next day I should be in the kitchen, since I wouldn't be walking as much back there. Thursday wasn't SO bad.. my ankle started to feel better since I had a few chances to sit down, but my toes started to get pretty sore. By the end of work yesterday, I had lost all feeling in my right pinky toe and the rest of my middle toes are sprained. I think it was because I had to wear new shoes during all this time.. nearly 40 hours of work in 4 days, all running around has killed my feet. I don't really know what to do for sprained toes, other than to avoid walking around O.o.

Despite the awful week, Friday night was great. We had a little party for Joe, who will be going back up to college next weekend. Khoi showed up, and a random Country Camping neighbor, and we all played drinking games around the picnic table until the neighbor left to bed. Dan then drove us all very carefully down into the woods, where we had an hour (or more) of drunken skinny dipping, which was awesome. People got cold after a while, and we all headed back- Khoi went home, and the rest of us "rested" in the tent for a while.. like, until the sun came up, then passed out. I got very little sleep, as a kid riding down the path next to the site wiped out around 7 am and let out a blood curdling scream that could've woke up the dead. Exception being Dan- apparently he didn't notice. I assume the kid was okay, he went walking away with a woman telling him a story about how she wiped out once.

After that, I couldn't sleep and was terribly hung over, so we spent the day nursing that and picking up car parts to repair my POS. Dan seems to have his eye on a Mustang that's within his budget- if that's the case, I'll be buying his current SHO off of him and giving the shitty toyota back to my family so Pat can have an automatic car to drive again. Let's hope that works out.

The night constisted of Taco Bell and playing Gauntlet. Good times.. now I think I'm gonna collapse into bed.

I haven't made a happy post in a while. I figured I should do so while I have a moment and am bored. I woke up today.. then was in a bad mood for a while cuz they test the goddamn fire alarms at 9 am for some reason. But anyway, I went out, got cold press coffee and brought it to Dan. We hung out at FPI for a bit, then I took off to the bank and got my account information fixed, then went to the grocery store to buy food for the diet. Got all of it inside, put away, and the fridge rearranged. And now I'm in an ecstatically good mood, but rather lonely. I've got music and the internet, but.. I wanna hang out O.o After such an agrravating day of work yesterday I just want to relax have some fun. I should be doing dishes! yarr.

Sharkface. :E
Anyway.

Dan and I may be signing a 12 month lease. We like the place pretty well.. fire alarms aside. Goddamn, what were they thinking. Oh! Dan got accepted at Metro State to get his 4 year degree, which will give him a significant pay increase once he finishes. That's rather exciting. I may end up taking out a loan for school one of these days.. I've just gotta get my shit together. Dan has the lucky option of tuition reimbursement.

Oh, btw- Caribou cold press coffee with a shot of either dark chocolate/white chocolate is delicious. And, Higurashi is an awesome anime.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. So, I just finished an 11 hour shift serving, and I am utterly exhausted. However, I managed to drive to Blaine, work, and drive back without any problems. I even got gas, and made a friend at work.

I was totally up for a night of relaxation. I come home to Dan sitting in the bathtub in the dark, filling it. He will barely talk to me. He just says he's had a bad day- he's sitting with a bottle of bacardi and a can of fresca. I didn't think anything of it, maybe he needed time to relax. It did worry me moderately.. I didn't mean to snoop. I just looked at his monitor, the first webpage that was sitting there, was a list of suicide attempts. Wonderful.

I don't know what to do. My stomach is twisting in knots- I told him I would leave him alone. What the hell is he planning on doing in there? I can only assume drink himself to death with bacardi 151, but I don't know.. is he really going to do it? or is he just trying to sort it all out?

I don't know.

Edit (6:41 AM)
Just woke up.. Dan's alive and appears uninjured, and I guess that's all I could ask for. I am still angry- he hasn't said anything at all to me about what happened to make him the way he was. I guess he talked to Joe, so at least he vented to someone, but I'm the one sitting here dealing with this shit and he won't even throw me a fucking bone. Blah.. on the upside, i slept, and by the time I finish serving today I'll probably be too tired to care again.

I'm sinking again. I'm so glad I work today. I maintain happiness for a few days at a time lately, which is more than before, but when I'm left alone to my thoughts I start.. I don't even know how to describe it, but it's crippling, whatever it is. The things he's said to me lately, and the things he doesn't say, are all starting to add up and I don't know what to do anymore.

What do you do, when every day feels like a struggle? I really have been trying to be happy. Every morning I tell myself its a new day, and try to put a brighter face on things than I had felt before. But it's.. hard; to say the least, especially when the world around you gets dimmer and dimmer.

I had hoped that I was just in a mood yesterday and I could bounce back as I normally do this morning. Something about the engagement being "a political move to live together" has me sick to my stomach. I was going to just dismiss it when he talked about never having kids- he was offering me a way out because he didn't think it was fair to keep me in a relationship under false pretenses. Originally it was drunken rambling on the beach at 1 in the morning, but hearing it from him again while sober last night cut a little deeper. Still, I just wanted to turn around and continue life as normal. A lot can change in a few years. But after nearly five years, and our engagement being little more than a title.. really, it makes me shudder to think about. I have put a lot of myself into making and keeping him happy. It is reciprocated, to a point, but mainly on a financial level.. I don't know if he ever really felt anything for me.

So.. fml?

Stuff going on.. the past few days I haven't really been able to keep my thoughts organized. My job is chaos, all the time. Luckily I lived with that for most of my life with my family, so I'm decent about staying relaxed about it.

They had me hostessing yesterday, which meant I got to sit at a desk, check everyone in and manage numbers/paperwork (very fast-paced). Only one time did I have a little anxiety attack, when numbers got away from me because paperwork was just moving too quickly with another person helping me to check off the papers. Aside from giving a woman a check and forgetting what her name was, and completely fucking up the number chart at the end of the night, the day went pretty well. I had very few problems with the computer, which has been the main complaint with hostessing- this was a relief for me, cuz Dan wrote that application, and now I can say in confidence that it does work. I had two cases where I had to pretend I was a customer service rep, cuz people complained to me about dumb things like being brought into the room first instead of last. Silly twits. I worked 14 hours that day (8 am to 10:00 or so).

I came home to a happy dan that was working on more computer upgrades. My computer is now functional with a bunch of spiffy parts, which I will name when I am less lazy. Self-image isn't great, but I'm getting better again. A few weeks ago I ordered this Cosmetyn stuff that should help me with my skin problems- after a few weeks of using it, it isn't gone, but my skin definitely feels awesome and the marks are finally starting to fade. The downside.. it's $90 a bottle. Ugh. I may only be able to order one more month, but it's worth it to me.



Happy kitty.

It's been a hard day.
I've been reminded of how disgustingly ugly I am.
How truly unlovable I am.
How my opinions don't matter.
How selfish I am, constantly.
And other such things that I don't care to remember.

I had 8 margaritas and felt better for a while. Now I'm sitting alone in the apartment, Dan's driving drunk to pick up khoi's drunken girlfriend. I'm not exactly happy about this. Times like this I want to kill something.

It wasn't just after I drank that I was depressed, though- earlier today I spent a few hours in our bedroom, just crying, naked under the covers. I feel disgusting; none of my clothes fit, and I will never be the woman dan wants me to be. I found myself wishing my breath would just stop. I breathe too goddamn loud.

It's amazing, how you can have a room full of people, yet feel so alone.

It was, overall, a nice weekend. I finally got to relax after that long work week, and I can look forward to an epic paycheck. On Friday we invited Helen and Khoi out to sushi dinner at Kobe, which was fun. I tried a bunch of different sashimi.. my favorite was salmon, but I must admit, I prefer sushi rolls. I felt less hungry after I ate those, probably due to the rice, plus it was a bit more flavorful. There's a type called the Fahrenheit Roll that I really enjoyed- I can't remember what's in it.

The next day, khoi and helen came back with Khoi's nephew, Austin. He's 12 years old, but he is hilarious.. Once, when i wasn't in the room, Austin told Dan that he was slept with me behind Dan's back xD He's so funny.

OH I forgot to talk about friday.. lmao. What a day. I woke up, got everything together and was on my way to St. Louis Park to serve a test when my car suddenly died up the exit onto south 100. I was really freaked out- I was sure my car was gonna start rolling backwards down the hill, but I managed to coast up onto the bridge and get onto the shoulder. I called my dad, who was to bring a tow rope, as well as calling Dan so he could tell home base that I wouldn't be making it to the site on time. Dad arrived at the same exact time as a cop car- dad was forced to park a little ways up on the bridge because the cop was between us and didn't really know what was going on. When everything was explained, I got into Dad's car, Dad got into my dead one, and the cop got behind my car to push it forward up to the rear end of dad's. Dad then attached the tow rope, and with him steering the other car, I managed to crawl at 15 mph down the highway into an apartment parking lot (with the help of the cop flashing his lights so people stayed out of our way).

After that dad brought me out to the test site at Aldersgate, where I still managed to make it 15 minutes before the test started, though I was about a half hour late on my timecard. Oh well. The day at work was good, a coworker gave me a ride home in the evening. So Saturday morning, I get in contact with Dad, he picks me up with my brother Danny and we head down to that parking lot to take a look at my car. We opened it and immediatly saw the problem on top- a very thick (supposedly the main power module cable thing.. yeah I don't know shit about cars) cable was charred clean through. We went to the nearest Toyota dealership and got a part ordered up, which should hopefully be there sometime next week. Dad somehow managed to cut the damaged part of the cable off and electric tape it together, and thus was able drive it back to our parking lot, where it will not be used until I pick up said part.

Later that night people showed up again.. Huang, Lan, Khoi, Helen, Austin, my brother Danny were around for most of the time. A bit later Jeff, Chelley and Pat showed up, after we had done like.. 6 shots of tequila.. yeah.. lol. Dan was pretty well buzzed and had a play sparring match with Jeff, whom apparently did some sort of kick and hit dan really hard in the arm when he tried to block. In my opinion.. I think it might be a hairline fracture.. or something close. His arm is very swollen and hard to move, but he can still move his wrist and fingers, with a good amount of pain. Helen also tried to leap into my arms at one point, but I wasn't ready for it... I heard my spine crunch, then we both went tumbling backwards. My back didn't hurt too bad then, but a few hours after I woke up this morning, it really started to hurt. It hurt so bad I felt sick for a while, although it's starting to get better now. We stopped at Snyders earlier today and got some icy hot and a bandage for dan's arm. With that, hopefully we'll be able to stay comfortable enough to heal.

Aside from the ugly injuries, the weekend was a lot of fun. Khoi's fairly serious about Helen, which is great.. he really needs somebody. There was a lot of drinking on saturday night, but everything was in good fun and all had a good time. Mcdonalds was had this morning.. it's starting to become a tradition on sundays. We're often too lazy to cook. Hmm.. that's all I've got.

This week has been crazy. Nothing terribly special going on, but I worked four days in a row- 10 hour shift, then three 8 hours. Needless to say, my legs and feet are aching. I have today off, thankfully, but I'm right back at it tomorrow. I hope my paycheck will be epic in a couple weeks.. I've been putting in a lot of time, and doing a ton of driving. The first test was in blaine, then the other four days are in St. Louis Park. It's a good chunk of gas. On the positive, my legs, butt, abs, back and shoulders are getting a great workout. The muscles are getting pretty well toned. Also, most of the people there are great. There are a couple that micromanage the fun out of EVERYTHING, but they're easy enough to deal with. I think yesterday was the best day I had yet- only one micromanager, and she wasn't on the floor most of the time. So I got to do my thing the way I wanted and it was all good. I think that will get better though, as I start to be more experienced.. hopefully people realize I more or less know what I'm doing.

Aside from work, last night was insane. I came home from work, intending to relax- Dan and I ended up going grocery shopping, which was kinda fun, and got stuff for my bagged lunches. We got home, sat around a bit, then I decided to take a bath. I soaked for a half hour or so, gave myself a foot rub. I sat up and pulled the stopper out of the drain- as I did so, there was a horrible squealing sound. This prompted a "WTF" response, and I ripped the tape off of the drain cover thing to see if that was messing the drain up.. but it kept squealing. Soon enough I realized that it was way too loud to be a drain problem. I hopped out of the tub and Dan came running down the hall, claiming the fire alarm was going off. I dried my legs, jumped into pants, threw on a sweater and wrapped myself in a towel, then we were out of there. We got to the first floor fast as we could (being on the top level)... and we were the first ones outside xD. We were really confused, stood around alone outside for a minute, wondering where the hell everyone else was. I had forgotten that it was about midnight and people were probably asleep.

Across the parking lot an ambulance was hanging out, and about 8 cop cars were around. I think we sat there for a little less than 10 minutes before the fire department arrived. Everybody was talking about how it was a hoax or whatever.. then a guy came over telling us about how a man had been asleep, and his neighbor kicked down the door because he noticed smoke coming from that room. They had the fire under control before the fire department got there, but they set up fans at either end of the building to try and air the place out. I can't imagine the damage was extensive, but I haven't heard anything beyond what happened last night. So we went to bed a little later than usual. Thank god I don't work today.

Then I woke up to the smell of crap. I had forgotten my lunch on my desk yesterday, then forgot to throw it out when I got home also. Kurama and Norris ran out of food during the night, so I assume kurama raided the lunch bag- and ended up with diarrhea. It was kinda all over the place; I just finished giving him a bath. That sure was fun.. lol. Now we need cat litter.. I'll probably go out for some in a bit.

Anyway.. nothing much else to say. I'm kinda hungry. TTYL.

Sooo... I start my third day of work tomorrow, and it's another long one- 10.5 hours, due to the nature of the job, I will probably be there a little later on as well. I'll probably be fine, but I always get nervous. The job itself is difficult, but certainly not impossible. The end of the day leaves me incredibly sore and exhausted, but thankfully I only have one day to work this week, so I get some recovery time. Quite a bit.. perks of working part time I guess.

Norris wasn't looking so good for a while.. I was really starting to get worried. For three days in a row he threw up in the morning, usually not throwing up anything it all- just stomach fluid. I really did my best to make him comfortable, and he's much perkier now.

OMG! I forgot to mention, we got a new kitty! We named him Kurama, though I think Dan's still going back and forth on what to name him. It's his cat, after all. He's a sweety- very playful and energetic, 2 years old and neutered. His color is like a muted orange tabby.. not many stripes, just kinda sandy looking with green eyes. Cute as hell.



TMI behind the cut.

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I've been listening a TON to Jason Mraz lately. I love him, and I also love Colbie Caillat, although not quite as much. Their duet is beautiful. If you get a chance, look up "Lucky" by Jason Mraz on youtube. So pretty.

Hm.. I've gotta shower and get to bed.. that is all.

We've been in the apartment since last saturday, and we haven't killed each other! In fact, we rather enjoy the company. The move went smoothly, everything was assembled on the same day, but there were a ton of boxes. On about wednesday was when the last clothing box was broken down and carried out- I still have no idea where I'm gonna put my art stuff.

That aside, the apartment is beautiful, we set up a bird feeder outside, and our living room is one giant awesome entertainment center. My favorite room is the kitchen- it's spacey enough for me to move around, I love cooking in general, and I have a lot of places to put things. Everything's organized how I want it to be. Dan and I set up a joint account so we can put things into sort of a communal fund for doing fun things and/or grocery shopping.

On Sunday we brought Norris in- he stayed under the bed for a while, but eventually I was able to drag him out and socialize him with the remaining friends left hanging around. I introduced him to his new litter box and food/water bowls. He's been just fine during the day, but for 4 days in a row he was constantly meowing, scratching on doors and doing otherwise annoying activities between 3-6 in the morning. On the weeknights I stayed up during that time to calm him down so dan could get sleep before work. Last night, however, he only woke me up once and woke dan up twice (we were sleeping in separate rooms, I had gone to bed early and dan didn't want to wake me up so he slept on the futon in the living room.) So it seems the kitten is finally getting adjusted, and now maybe I can get some sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I'm going to need it! The day before yesterday, Dan handed me an application for FPI (the company he works for), and I had started filling it out. The next morning, I got online to him messaging me, saying finish filling it out and come to the office asap, because someone was willing to interview me right there and then. Needless to say, I was a little rushed, but I managed to get myself together and down there within an hour. So I talked to the lady, made her laugh and stuff, so the interview itself went pretty well.

I ended up being hired on the spot, at least temporarily (90 day probation period I guess), so that made me feel pretty good. Before I had even finished the application process somebody came in and asked if I could help the lady at the front desk O.o she ended up having a HUGE pile of checks that needed to be enveloped, and they had somehow gotten out of alphabetical order. I helped her with that, and she got to go home on time. That isn't in my normal job description though.

Basically the job is a position as a server at a taste testing company. Corporations contact this company to review their products- so the company contacts people from the public that meets a certain criteria, and those people come in, take a taste test, then leave with a check which was the incentive. I'll be the person setting placemats and serving them food. The days can be between 8-14 hours, so while I am part time and may not work every day, the days that I do work will probably be lengthy. I am also expected to travel all around the metro area- I am reimbursed for gas, so that's not a huge issue for me, except for my normal driving insecurities. It pays well and it'll give me something to do.. I'm really looking forward to it. I start on Tuesday with a 13 hour day in Blaine. Whee.

Today Dan helped me chop apples, and so, I'm making an apple pie. It's going to be delicious. I should start rolling the dough! ttyl

"..All the whores and politicians will look up and shout, 'Taking fire, need assistance!' ...And I'll look down and whisper "Negative."

That aside.. I move out on Saturday. Pat and I just got back from Wal Mart, where we hit the motherload of boxes. I honestly don't know what I'll do with the extras, but I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes. Currently I'm completely strung out on caffeine- when the manager told us to come back between 2 and 3 in the morning, I knew it'd be a long night. Suppose I could've called ahead and just picked them up in the morning.. but that's so unadventurous~!

Things between Dan and I have been pretty tense lately. Two weeks went by where we barely talked, he was extremely cold and borderline pissed off at me for no reason. Half the time he ignored anything I said. I was really starting to get frustrated. I pretty much withdrew from my life for a while, save for a couple days I spent at kynaru's house. I tried not to think about Dan- lots of stupid thoughts crossed my mind, but thankfully I have more sense than to do any of them.

The problem started with some severe stress at his work spilling into his normal life, then got upset about not being able to back out of getting the apartment. He realized he didn't want to pay that much money just for living space when he had equal or better at his own house, for much cheaper. Regardless of how much stress he was under, I do feel like he put himself in the position and he was blaming me for it. There's no other reason for him to treat his friends and family normally, and be so cold to me.

Tuesday of last week he admitted he was being a jerk and that he was sorry, and now that he's putting himself in higher spirits I'm beginning to heal a bit. It's hard to go from being callous and guarded to loving and sensitive again, but slowly I'm feeling my normal self come back. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable and happy with him, but somehow still feel left out of his life. Maybe apartment life will change this.. I just hope it doesn't get worse. He needs to talk to me more.. I feel like there are a ton of insecurities he has, but won't talk about them because he thinks he'll sound controlling. I can understand him holding back for my sake, but he doesn't need to do that. If something is bothering him, I want to hear it.. even if it doesn't involve me.

Things are positive. I'm just whining. He's happy now, I'm getting happy again.. soon him, Norris and I will have a cozy space of our own. Aside from getting along in a mature fashion, I have nothing else to worry about.

That said.. anybody want to help us move on saturday? :D Many hearts?! lol

god I'm tired. past 5 am now.. it's taken me a long time to sort myself out enough to write this. Probably bedtime soon!
Oh, and many thanks to kynaru for the new musics, I'm loving it.

Lol
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Good times.

So, there's a lot going on.. in fact so much that I feel like I'm up to my nose and floundering. On one hand I'm really excited, on the other, my anxiety is tearing me apart.

A few days ago Dan logged into AIM after having a talk with his parents, and he asked me if I would like to move into an apartment with him. In a month. Of course I want to; at the time I kind of panicked, because it really felt like we were just diving in with both feet and not really discussing or thinking.But, we talked a little later then went out and found what looks like a really nice place. He put down the security deposit and fee, we both applied, now we're waiting to hear back. We decided to move it another month out (thank god, for some reason the thought of moving in only a month really freaks me out). So, at the end of February I'll be muscling my stuff into a car, up three flights and into a pretty little apartment.

The place is in Plymouth, a former condominium buiding that looks recently converted to an apartment complex. There's an outdoor pool, sauna, exercise room, compute room (which I probably won't use), a nature path, billiard room with a small library, and it looked like there was DVD rental too. We'll be on the third (top) floor in the corner, which was important to be cuz of my sleep problems (I think we only have one neighbor, otherwise we're walled and windowed with a nice view of the pool and a lake out of the kitchen). All the people we met seem nice and social. We're about 2 miles from the local malls, and dad said I could keep the grey toyota, so that means I'll probably be finding a job around there somewhere and taking classes online.

The apartment itself is nice and modest, perfect for just two people I think. My bed will fit in the bedroom, there's a large walk-in closet, the bathroom is better than the one Dan has in his basement, the kitchen is narrow, but again I don't think we plan on having a lot of people crammed in there on most days. We went out and bought light green stuff for the bathroom. But that's thinking a little too far ahead for now, we just need practical stuff to put in it then redecorate later.

I'm worried about the credit check. I doubt anything will be negative, but for some reason it's really bothering me. I have a whirlwind of debts and I'm not sure of what's covered and what's not. It sounds like my ER and doctor visit afterwards will be covered by mom's new insurance, most of my visits to judy should have been covered by dad's insurance, although I think there was maybe 1,000 worth unpaid from before when we didn't have insurance. I don't know if I have a debt with the Plymouth clinic or not. Frankly I don't know who to contact for any of this- I need my mom for the insurance information so I can prove it to the hospital and all that. That's my main point of freak-out lately, is I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything, about these debts. All the insurance switching has me so confused, and I once more can't sleep at night because of money trouble.

Also, Dan hasn't been very affectionate lately. I think he's just stressed and I need to have patience. He's worried about how we're going to live together- I was worried a bit until Dad said that I can take the grey car- this leaves me free in the day to go out grocery shopping and other things that are inconvenient for Dan on the work day. Now I have very little fear of us not getting along- I just hope he doesn't let the fear go to his head. We need to trust each other more. If we can make this work, it'll be good for both of us. I'm gonna miss my family and my room, but I'll probably be bringing Norris with me and getting a second kitty to keep him company!

Whoof.

I'm on medication now, but the shit just won't stop flying. We're potentially losing our house, I just made a promise to my mom that I probably can't keep, and though the previously mentioned problems are a little easier to deal with, it doesn't change the fact that they're there and very real. I had a conversation with my mom tonight, and it was very different from conversations we've had previously. The content was still the same- stress, the house isn't clean, etc, but it was on a much more mature level- she wasn't accusing me of being the problem this time, and she wasn't asking for help either. So I finally more or less know where she's coming from, and it makes her attitude a lot easier to accept. It doesn't help that dad's been completely ignoring and/or being bitchy towards her for little reason.

So I should take happiness in that, right? I finally communicated with my mom on a personal level. Well for some reason now I'm even more scared, knowing that my mom is also thinking about suicide, that both of us are in the same situation with nobody to talk to, but we can't talk to each other because of years of miscommunication.. ugh. I was trying to comfort myself by saying that I have Dan to talk to when I need help. But, that was shattered when I tried to talk to him earlier and he was completely sarcastic about the situation, I just got so sick of it I said night and logged off. We hadn't even talked for very long, in retrospect I should have had more patience. But, he knows where I'm coming from, he knows why I'm on medicine and why I went to the hospital, and I'm not sure what's going through his mind when he leaves me to my problems with no offer of help. Maybe the message was just lost in translation over IM.. I don't know.

So I'm suicidal, Mom's suciidal, Dad's depressed and I wouldn't doubt it if he wanted to off himself too. Maybe we should make a family outing of it.
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Edit (4:30 am):
Okay, so that was some dark humor that probably wasn't very funny. I'm feeling a lot better now, despite the late hour.. I read for a while and watched a funny stand up guy on Comedy Central and now I'm okay. My moods are just so strange lately. I talked to a drunk Dan over AIM and he apologized for being insensitive, he realized what he did after I left. Nothing's changed but I'm no longer freaking out.

I figure I should mention some decent things that have been going on.

-Dad has had a few job interviews that went very well. He hasn't had a call back yet, but we're all optimistic.

-Dan was offered a job at a food service place, as probably one of the first IT people they've hired, and they're offering 50k a year salary with tuition reimbursement/benefits, etc. Both his interviews went well and now he's only competing with 1 other guy for the job. It sounds like the skills he needs for that range somewhere betwee database administrator, salesforce admin, C# and PHP/Java programming, and anything else they might need. Thanks to Convey and his previous projects, he's well-qualified, and I'm very excited for him.

-Norris is still way too skinny, but I'm starting to think it's natural weight loss now because he's staying that weight and he seems perfectly happy and energetic. Just a skinny fuzzbutt.

I had a really nice day with Dan today. I was kinda depressed when I woke up, but I went over to his place to work out and we ended up cuddling on the couch until he fell asleep. It was really warm and comfy, then I got him coffee and we cuddled for quite a while more and he said nice stuff that made me feel appreciated. I had to go cuz I couldn't stay the night, and when I got home was when all the drama started, walking in on my mom in tears and asking "what's up?" opened another can of worms, which hurt, but I'm glad it's in the open at least. She feels better for the moment and hopefully I can live up to my promise to her.

Okay, well I doubt at this point I'm going to be waking up for school. Hopefully I can go in later and get the notes. I also hope thanksgiving goes by without more family drama. My mom is really picked on by my dad's side, so it can make things difficult. My aunt tends to be a bitch to her.. she's always nice to me, but there are some deep seated problems between her and my mom that I don't want to touch with a 10 foot pole.

Anyhow.. Goodnight.

Well, I'm a little calmer than yesterday. Definitely still emo has hell, but at least I'm not riding the edge. Dad and I sat in the hospital all day today. I was on a bed in the ER in "Mental Patient" clothes with a tracking device strapped to my wrist for most of the time, listening to drug addicts scream about how they really, REALLY were not on drugs, to find out that they aren't taking any action and are sending me home. They gave me the number of a suicide hotline and told me to talk about it with my psychologist next time I see her.

..................

Kind of a letdown. :P I wasn't expecting answers, but I was hoping for some help.
I have two other appointments later, which hopefully have some sort of end result, otherwise I'm not really sure what's going to happen. Maybe I need to see Judy twice a week?

Anyway, I'm not dead and I'm more or less normal at the moment. /panic